Signs That You Might Be Empathizing Incorrectly and How to Fix It

So I started to think about hmm, how can we empathize with people who are living completely different lives? Hey there, fellow introvert on stage, this show is a safe space for the soft souls to learn, connect and master communication. I'm Olivia Lee and you're listening to Introvert on Stage. Welcome back to Introvert on Stage and happy Thanksgiving. I hope you had a wonderful time with your loved one and spend some time really thinking about what you're thankful for For Thanksgiving.

Me and my boyfriend went on a camping trip to West Virginia, so a couple of hours away, in the middle of nowhere, and there was no internet, no, nothing for four full days. At first I thought, oh, this is great, I get to be away from notifications, social media, emails, everything, responsibilities. I can be free from them. But oh my goodness, after just a few hours I started to feel anxious. After just a few hours I kept thinking what if my clients need me? What if all the scheduled social media content didn't publish? What if this, what if that? And then not getting notification was very uncomfortable. I started to think about hmm, what is that? A couple of years ago, if we think about it, think of the time before you had the smartphone and how it was normal not to get notifications. But when I thought about it I came to a realization that we're all used to it. We're all used to all the bling and the text and the rings and the ring rings and whatever ring tone that you have. We're just so used to getting bombarded with notifications all day like 24 seven, unless we put the phone on silence or unless we put it under busy mode or whatever away mode that you have. And that's what I noticed when I was on that Thanksgiving trip that, oh my goodness, my brain is getting anxious because I'm not getting any notifications. My phone is too quiet and therefore it's not doing its job. It's supposed to keep me busy. It's supposed to have my eyes locked on it like every few seconds and, as you can tell, like I was getting really anxious, so I had to put my phone away. I turned it off, went outside, soaked in all the nature, fresh air, the boz and the moos of the sheep's and the cows nearby, because, oh my goodness, the Airbnb that we were staying in, it literally was in the middle of nowhere and the only things that I could see were these little white dots far away, which I think were sheeps and a few black dots I think were cows, because in the morning I could hear the moos.

But that was a little bit of a summary of my Thanksgiving and how I spent Thanksgiving really being thankful for the little things in life. Because we went to a tiny home. So of course there was electricity, there was hot water, but there was no internet. There was no kitchen. We only had a microwave and a sink from the bathroom. So it was a really, really tiny home. It was smaller than a studio apartment and it didn't have that many things.

That made me realize that I'm thankful for all these little things that we take for granted every single day, whether it's having the hot shower for more than an hour I'm guilty of sometimes taking really long showers under the hot water just thinking and what am I even doing in there? And just little things like Wi-Fi. It's so normal to our everyday life that sometimes we forget how thankful we are to have them Driving by in the neighborhood and seeing all these gigantic satellite dishes that I haven't seen for years, because it's so normal for us to just magically have Wi-Fi connected to our phones. I was really thankful. There were so many things to be thankful for, and other than saying all the cliche things like thankful for my family, thankful for my health. Of course I'm thankful for all of those, but I got a chance to really be thankful for the little things that I didn't even think of to be thankful for. So that was my little spiel, and today I wanted to talk about. Do you like my transition there? I'm just smoothly, just sneaking it in, but today I wanted to talk about empathy and how to relate to someone that is my Alexa. Sorry about that. That is my Alexa reminding me to go to sleep.

Anyways, empathy is the ability to emotionally understand what other people feel and see things from their point of view, and I started to think about this topic as I was on the Thanksgiving trip, because some of the people living in West Virginia were living completely different lives, whether it's farming hundreds of cows and sheeps. When I have just a tiny little puppy, having a huge satellite dish, being away from internet, having to drive 10 minutes just to get to a little store, despite the fact that I was only two, three hours away from home. To see these completely different lifestyles was kind of shocking to me. It was beautiful. It was a beautiful difference, but it was also a difference that I wasn't used to seeing, because where in Northern Virginia can I see a farmer with hundreds of cows? Where in Virginia can I see gigantic satellite dishes? In the suburbs where I live, I can walk a few minutes to get to the town center where I can have free Wi-Fi.

So I started to think about hmm, how can we empathize with people who are living completely different lives? Because to be able to see things from other people's point of view, we need to really understand them emotionally, whatever they're going through, whatever colored lenses they're wearing. But if we really think about it, how can we do that with people whose lives are so completely different than ours that we don't really know what it's like? And this is when I go into the difference of sympathizing and empathizing. So, simply put, sympathizing is feeling pity, feeling bad for someone. It's like realizing that the other person has a shoe like, oh, I'm so sorry I see that your shoe has a hole in it. Oh, I'm sorry you're going through that. So being able to sympathize isn't a bad thing, right? Taking pity on someone in a condescending way is rude and simply sympathizing can lead to a negative impact on a relationship because you're not really relating to the person. You're more so detached, but it's not a bad trait to have, because you're still offering a solution to someone who needs it. You're still listening. You're simply accepting and observing what the other person is going through. But if you're more emotionally intelligent, you should be able to empathize with someone.

Empathizing is not only realizing that the other person has a shoe, but putting yourself in that shoe, but also walking in that other people's shoe. I really like metaphors and I learned things by hearing stories, so hopefully you're like that too. So instead of going, oh no, your shoe has a hole, it's like oh no, I see that your shoe has a hole, let me try to wear it and walk in it to try to better understand what it's like in your perspective. I like that. Anyways, being able to empathize is realizing that, even though the situation might be different, you're able to find a commonality. Because, let's be honest, no matter how different the situation or the lifestyle is, we most likely felt the same emotion, whether it's joy, anger, sadness, disgust, whatever it is.

Let's say, person A is really disgusted by the feeling that you get when you're wearing a sock and then you step into a puddle Like. I think everyone hates that feeling and if you like that feeling, I can safely assume that you're a psychopath. But anyways, if you can't relate to what I said about the discomfort of feeling this icky disgust of stepping into a wet puddle while wearing a sock, you can at least imagine what that would feel like, because you know the emotion disgust. If you already know the feeling of disgust, you have your own definition of it. Maybe yours is seeing a bug sitting on the window or munching and chewing very loudly with someone's mouth open. Maybe that's your feeling of disgust. But the thing is, no matter how different the situation is for each person, you can still relate to that emotion.

And another way to empathize with someone in an emotionally intelligent way is to acknowledge your own biases. We all have our own biases and definitions, judgments, whatever it is that we put on other people, situation, etc. When you hear someone's story, take it as an opportunity for you to recognize and acknowledge your biases. I recently went on a fall premiere at a college that I'll be attending next year and there was a fear inside of me that I wasn't aware of. That came up when I was approaching professors and staff members at the college. So these are very highly educated people with PhDs and years of experiences working at the school just very educated, right.

Looking deep inside that fear, I was able to recognize that my bias was highly educated people are condescending towards people who aren't, which is not true, right? I know so many educated people who are helpful, who want other people to get the best experience at the college. So everyone is different. But maybe because of my past experiences, maybe because of my own fears and insecurities, I was able to recognize that the bias was getting in the way and was causing fear inside of my heart. And once I was aware of that bias, I was able to challenge my biases by reaching out to those individuals. So I actually faced my fear by getting their contact information, reaching out, emailing them, even though I'm not the type of person who usually does that. I want to be better at networking, but it's really scary because of my fear of what if they don't think I'm cool enough, or what if they don't see any benefits of connecting with me because I'm like nobody, like whatever. It is right.

After I became aware of those biases, I challenged them and tried my best to see those people as individuals, different individuals with different stories not as the stereotype that I created by myself inside of my mind, and that really opened up a new door for me because I was able to connect with those professors in a deeper level. Everyone has been so welcoming and supportive and encouraging, and this one person that I didn't even meet in person. I connected with her over our Zoom interest meeting and she has sent me all these resources and steps that I need to take to have a better experience at the college and while reading her email I could feel that stereotype and fear just melting away. And if I hadn't faced that fear and challenged it and took an action that was scary to me, I wouldn't have connected with these professors. I will eventually meet and work without the school, facing my biases and being able to empathize better with people who are living completely different lives than me. It really broadened up my horizon and helped me to see people as individuals.

So today, for this episode, I actually didn't write a script or even a bullet points. I want it to be as raw and real with you as possible. So I'm actually in front of my microphone and talking with you. No show notes, no scripts, no bullet points. I wonder how different it is and I also wonder which style you prefer. So please do email me at Olivia at introvert on stage to let me know which style you prefer, and I would love to make adjustments and make the episodes better for you, and I'm really looking forward to having on different guests on the show as well. So please be on a lookout for that.

I'm really excited for where the show is going. I'm slowly learning. I feel like I still don't have a system, but I'm also working on that as well, because this project is so special to my heart and hopefully you guys are able to feel that and hear that in my voice, and hopefully what I'm trying to do through this show is able to be sent to your heart as well, wherever you're listening from. So thank you so much for coming back and listening to the episode. Please know that I see you wherever you're listening from.

I'm able to see that you're actually tuning in every week, and please know that that means so much to me. That means the world to me. You guys are from all different places. I see people from India, germany, even Seoul, and it's so cool that people in different countries are listening. So I'm hoping that that means you're getting at least some kind of value from the show, so that really motivates me to keep going and create more episodes that are hopefully educational and entertaining. So thank you again for trusting me and putting me in your ear, and I will see you again next week. Bye, bye.